So here’s the beginning of my annual review of myself for the year. I’m starting this on the 12th of December and while a lot can happen from now until the new year I think I can spend some time speaking on the bulk of this year’s experience. I could reference some of the things I’ve written but I’m going to start with whatever pops into my head first. This was a year of self discovery for me. I had to sit down and look at a reflection that I did not like. I had to sit with very uncomfortable truths about myself that I must now deal with. I thought I was self aware. I am not. I was so wrong about who I thought I was.

So many things have started to click for me. Not only do I cringe at my old self but I feel bad for him. I want to sit with him and have a conversation. Tell him how lost he is. I want to tell him to love himself. I want to tell him to stop being afraid. My biggest revelation this year, by far, is that I…. am a nice guy. I can’t tell you how much this hurts to find out. I don’t know exactly when I found out but I was led there because I was asking myself alot of questions. Basically, I was feeling lost. I was wondering where I went. This is what I was asking myself. Somewhere on that path I learned about codependency. I think I heard comedian Whitney Cummings talk about it on her podcast. I looked it up. It left my mouth open in shock. I was starting to see some connections to my relationships and how I move.

That led me to search online and eventually find a recommendation for a book that revealed it all to me - No more Mr. Nice Guy. It hurts to find out that these behaviors you embody can be perfectly encapsulated with a couple of words. That there’s a name and an archetype of person for the kind of things I do. Reading the book was like an accusation against myself. I knew. All of it. It was true. It pains me to admit that. The chasm between who I am and who I want to be has never been wider. I felt bad but I read on. I am unreliable. I realized that I can’t find out who I am through myself. There’s too much bias. It turns out that hiding the true me is something I’m very good at. I haven’t been able to call myself out on it because I hid it from myself. I left it up to this book to tell me about myself. I realized that I needed help.

This led me to seek a therapist for the first time ever. I didn’t know how to get into it, I just knew I needed to speak with someone. I had begun to read this book and I thought it would be useful to share my perspective with someone else who didn’t know me. I found a therapist with the goal of walking away with more self love and self respect. Self care was the theme of this year. It revamped my closet for the first time in years. It was the first time I ever prioritized finding pieces I could wear out. I’m not all the way there but I definitely kick-started something I’ll do at least once a year. I also got rid of a bunch of things.

Now I’m just going to rapid fire some things because these things don’t warrant a lengthy breakdown. This year I took care of my skin. I made it a point to find a skincare routine and stick with it. It’s had a profound effect on my view of myself as something that should be taken care of. This was the year that a cat became part of my life. I said yes on whim and now I have a son. If anything I’ve learned that being a parent is hard and I’ve tried even harder to find patience and inner peace. Still working on that. This was the year I slid into someone’s dm’s a day after meeting them. I don’t know what came over me. I think there’s a “to be continued…” here? This was the year that I took part in a dancing class. It’s something that I’ve wanted to do for a while and I hope to continue in the new year. Dancing is part of latino roots and I want to be in touch with it more. This was the year I swam my ass off. It was like two straight weeks of swimming in the morning. Turns out, I love swimming. But this was also the year I didn’t go on vacation and I think it’s what led me into therapy faster. I spent that time swimming but really I should have spent that time away, somewhere far. I regret not traveling but it’s just a reminder to myself to actually do it this year. Sidenote: This was also the year I went to DR and met my family members for the first time in like 16 years. Coincidentally, I ran into family from the U.S that was also there on vacation. It was so funny how I ran into them. Being there was a blast from the past for sure seeing all the childhood friends my cousin grew up with. So I did go somewhere. It was just that I did this during spring break and that basically meant I was just there for a week and I went back to work. It felt like a vacation but not really, but yeah I had to add this at the end because I was looking back on pictures and I totally forgot that I did this.

My biggest focus this year was to work on myself. I’m not done yet but I’ve learned so much about myself and now I’m on the equally harrowing journey of finding out what to do with this information. I think it starts with small daily changes that appear greater in the macro. Each day is a little journey and I’m actually happy to be on it. I think I’m on the right track to become the man that I aspire to be.

Up until this point I had maintained my workouts and was jumping rope nearly everyday. I felt that 30 didn’t have to be the point where I stop improving. I can and I will be better as I age. It was also my roommate’s 30th birthday and that was the year we hosted her cousins who came over from massachusetts. That was a time to remember. It’s also the first time I bought a shirt with the explicit intention to return it.

Now I’m picking back up a day before my birthday. I just want to say regarding what I just wrote is that it was a fun time. Let me get more internal now. Part of my self discovery was finding out what I want and what I don’t want and how I get my needs met. I honestly became ashamed of who I found out I was as a man. I dug deep with my therapist to find so much of it had to do with my childhood and how I grew up with my dad around the house. I’ve had a lot of conversations about where I see myself and how I feel about myself. My goal? I just want to be better. But to do that I had to find out what was wrong with me and undo years of trauma and conditioning I sustained. That is to say that I won’t just be fixed right away. I want to be different and I want to change but this change has to be gradual. It has to be kickstarted by me.

In the new year I want to be more knowledgeable. At age 30, I went through so much emotionally. It pains me to confront the ugly truths about myself. I saw behind the facade. I didn’t know that I put walls up with myself. I wasn’t letting myself in. I don’t know why I thought I could just leave that stuff to the side and not address it. I think because life goes on regardless. No one is waiting for me to be a better version of myself. Do you know how many people are on that journey themselves? Can I just say that I might be in the best position to change mentally now than I ever have been. I’ve learned alot but I know that’s not enough. I have to do something with it and I plan to. I’m going to turn things around. That’s what I want to put into existence. 31 is going to be my renaissance year. I’m calling it.