I haven’t written in a long time but I wanted to come back on this day and put down some thoughts. That’s because tomorrow starts by birthmonth and I wanted to get a head start on writing my year in review. For the last couple of years or so I’ve been taking the opportunity on my birthday to specifically look back on my year and just reflect. This year was kind of a doozy and it’s hard to pinpoint where to start so I guess the beginning is a good place. I’ll have you know that it feels like most of this year has been a blur but at the same time I did write alot during this year because it was the most emotionally taxing for me. For a variety of reasons.

Even as I recall some other things are popping up that I forgot happened this year. Let’s start with my earliest memory of the year. One was my roommate moving in and the other was my dad passing away. Both of these things seemingly happened at the same exact time. And it is by far the two events that had the greatest impact on my life. As I go through the months in my head I just recall the moment where we were on lockdown. Workwise- it was the most uneventful and boring fucking year ever. I was basically on vacation for most of the year but I couldn’t really go anywhere. I have really flourished as a cook. Prior to the pandemic, I was mostly purchasing my meals from outside, just like my roommate at the time. Then with everything being closed and me having a bunch more time on my hands I really took to becoming self sufficient in the kitchen. I can make entire meals on my own and even a host of desserts. I would’ve never expected this but I’ll carry these skills on forever. The kitchen is no longer scary.

The passing of my dad is still something that occupies my mind often in ways that I haven’t expected. It’s changed part of who I am as a person, and I think on top of everything it has really made me take a backseat. I’ve sat back all year. I was mostly gone from social media, I was gone from my family’s house. This is the loneliest I’ve ever been. I still can’t process the impact that has had on me because honestly, I’m still living the effects from it. I want to start off the new year better, but I don’t think I’m ready to. I know I have to propel myself and that’s perhaps the hardest part. I don’t feel too guilty about taking the backseat. I didn’t want to fight what was going on. I tried it at the beginning but I think it was only a matter of time. It caught up to me and hit me hard. There are days like today where I just want to feel bad and cry and I don’t know why. I feel bad when I try to recall everything I’ve been through this year. At the same time though, I’ve had some of my best memories this year and that’s something I will also take with me. These were all moments that I shared with my roommate. I don’t know if we share those good experiences or if they only happened on my end. I honestly don’t know if there was a takeaway from this year. I’m just going to keep thinking about how things have progressed. I think I’ve learned a lot about myself and being vulnerable but I’m clearly not all the way there. I’m not as guarded as I used to be but I’m definitely not as open as I’d like to be. I still need to shake the judgment of other people. I don’t matter but it’s hard to remind myself of that. I need some quiet reflection.

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