The following was written off the cuff in a starbucks on the day of my birthday. I did not read this over so take these errors for what they are.

Boy, we’re back at it again with a new year and I have to sit and think about how this year has been based on the things I wanted to do. I’m just going to start with saying that I didn’t even look back at things that I told myself I wanted to do. I’m going to go back to the list in a bit and see if I somehow did something but I’ll tell you right now I highly doubt it. This isn’t to say it was a bad year. In fact if I had to value my year overall, I’d say had an awesome year. Not because everyday was awesome, but because I feel like I had more awesome than not awesome moments. I write these in an off the cuff manner because I don’t want to give myself too much time to simmer on what I’ve already lived and it helps me pick only those things great enough to occupy my mind the quickest. Let’s start with the bad. By far the thing that comes to my mind the most are the times my parents have been to the hospital. They are both old and this is to be expected but it takes a big chunk out of me when I see them hurt on a bed. They are the people that brought me into the world and I am helpless to do anything. Situations like these really made me think and brought some real sadness that I haven’t felt in a while. It made me think about their mortality. This is the biggest threat I’ve ever seen to their life and it was a dark moment for me. I thought about what my life would be like if they weren’t in it. It was a thought I never wanted to have and one the I naively thought I would never have to think about. In that moment I felt the most alone I’ve ever left in my life. In short, it was unbearable and I couldn’t really imagine a life without them. I know this is something I need to confront and prepare for. It’s been one of the biggest sources of stress for me. It’s made me rethink everything I do. “How can I make sure this moment doesn’t crush me?”, I thought over and over. I don’t know to be honest. If there’s a thing I know is that my parents didn’t raise me to be helpless. I already have more than they had when they came to this country. When they came they had nothing and made something out of it. There’s no reason I can’t survive. Of course that is easier said than done. It’s just hard man. I’ve been avoiding this for so long. I want to find peace with myself so that I can handle whatever comes my way. This is a vague ask, but it’s something I’d like to find in 2018. Let’s talk about the good. By far, my most memorable moment of 2017 was my time spent in the Dominican Republic and Florida. Going to DR really surprised my. I thought going to Hawaii was the best vacation I ever had but DR surpassed it by a considerable margin. I think what made the difference was my interaction with the people their. My people. I met a lot people that have the same dreams my parents had when they were there. I could identify with them even though I’ve never met them in my life. They were also accepting of me too. I was treated like family. It made all the difference for me. I treasure every interaction I had. Going on excursions and enjoying the beach helped too. Florida was great because I was able to share the experience with my favorite family member: my niece. I really enjoyed being able to give her the opportunity to leave NJ and experience a place neither of us had ever seen before. We definitely created memories neither of us will ever forget. So without getting to granular this pretty much wraps up most of my year. This is the macro view of year. Some highs and lows are to be expected. I would say I developed my interests a bit more and set myself for some things in 2018. I can only hope that I actually do something and not sit on the sidelines. I have to be a bit more active and not think so much. I think I have too much mental clutter. I wish I had a toilet handle on my head so I can flush all the shit that I have inside. I’m a year older, a little wiser and a little more anxious. Even thought I haven’t posted since last year don’t think I’ve stopped writing. I’ve been writing a ton but it’s been more like therapy to me. This medium really allows me to spill all the gunk in my head and stick it on here. Just writing this had made me feel a lot better. Maybe I’ll post some of those “stream of consciousness gunk” since it I think it shows me at my essence. Anywho, I’m going to stop this now and get back enjoying my birthday. I’ll see ya when I see ya.